Sibling rivalry

"Mum, Paul keeps taking my things!", "Dad, Hine is hurting me!', "If you do that again, Sis, I'm gonna kill you this time!"

That's the all too familiar sound of sibling rivalry and conflict. And it happens in almost every family with more than one child.

Sometimes the two children swing from being really close and loyal to each other to being at each other's throat. The older child that can't seem to be able to tolerate the younger brother or sister being within spitting distance will suddenly be very protective of the younger sibling who is challenged or threatened by an outsider.

Sibling rivalry may be very common, but it is still very wearying and hard to put up with for the rest of the family. As a parent there are a number of things that you can do to at least minimise the conflict.

The most important one is to accept that it is a perfectly healthy process during which both children are learning a lot of important skills about getting along with other people. Everything that you do therefore should be aimed at supporting and enhancing that process.
 

What is sibling rivalry?

Siblings are brothers and sisters in the same family. Sibling rivalry is the name given to the squabbling and fighting or the competition that seems to almost always exist between siblings. 

Unlike friends, siblings don't get to choose their family or each other. Unlike friends, they may have very different interests, may have big age differences, belong to different sports or cultural groups, or go to different schools. In fact, when you think about it, there is very little reason why brothers and sisters should even like each other!

But the biggest problem faced by young siblings is that they have to share the most important person/s in their lives: their parents. May be the older child comes to resent having to share in the care of the younger brother or sister. May be the younger one resents having to try to keep up with the older child. May be the brother hates the way their parents seem to be gentler with his sister.

Sometimes a child can come to resent the additional care and attention that their brother or sister gets who has special needs.

Perhaps the rivalry occurs when two sole parents blend their families and the children resent sharing their parents with the 'new' children.

One of the more puzzling aspects for parents is seeing the relationship between their children suddenly change with time. This is because of the changing needs of children as they grow.

Toddlers, for example, are starting to learn how to assert themselves. Inevitably, that need is given expression by being protective of their toys.

School aged youngsters have just acquired a sense of fair play and equality and so don't understand why brothers and sisters of another age are treated differently. Why do they have more household tasks to do than their younger brother? Why can't they stay up until 9.30pm like their teenaged sister?

Teenagers are developing a need for independence. They may resent having to look after their 'baby' brother and show it by teasing him or trying to upset him.

Different temperaments can also be a factor. Some children are more clingy, for example, than others and need more parental attention - that will almost inevitably be resented by other children.

Another factor can be the way the parents themselves deal with situations. If children see their parents shout at each other, slam doors and argue loudly, then it's quite likely they'll behave in the same way with each other.

There can be many reasons for sibling rivalry, but never lose sight of the fact that it is a perfectly normal process within a family. The experience is most important in helping the child to deal constructively with their emotions and how to get along with people.

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