Listening to your children

Remember how you felt the last time someone didn't give you their undivided attention?

Do you remember the sense of frustration as their eyes glazed over, they glanced at their watch, stifled their yawn? Or worse, they put you off by saying that they didn't have time just now? And yet even the most loving and conscientious parents have done that to their children at some stage.

In a busy world it is very easy to be pre-occupied or impatient when children seek our attention. Yet effective listening can be one of the most effective ways of having a positive influence on our children.

By listening carefully, we are giving them some very important messages. By our actions we say, "You are an important person. I love you and willingly give you my attention. I am trying to understand you." By not having the time to listen to our children, or by doing all the talking and little listening, we give them the opposite message.

The ability to listen well is not something we are born with - it is something we learn as a little child and need to practise all through our life. So here we try to keep it practical with lots of tips on techniques that work.

Good listening is the cornerstone to building a good relationship with our children.
 

A survey of children

A UK survey of 2600 children and 1500 adults in May 2002 found some disturbing results on how poorly parents listened to their children. Most of the children said their parents were poor listeners and that they couldn't talk to them about their problems - bullying, other school problems and sex.

  • Only 47 percent of the children said adults listened to what they said and acted on it
  • Only 57 percent of the adults questioned thought that their children were actually listened to
  • 60 percent of the children felt they should be allowed to be more involved in decisions about family leisure activities
  • Other factors that prevent children from talking with their parents included embarrassment, fear of being punished and getting someone else into trouble.


Why listening is important

Once upon a time it was common to say that children should be seen and not heard. So why now do we think it necessary to listen to children?

There are good and compelling reasons for this.

First of all, good communication, including being listened to, is a basic need of any child. The trust that is built up means that the child is more likely to go to parents when they are unhappy or in trouble. It is a quality that they may well then carry into adulthood.

Second, listening parents encourage self-esteem in their child. If parents seem preoccupied, too busy, not interested, then they are communicating to that child that they are not very important to them, the most significant adults in the child's life. It is a message that is likely to make the child feel of little value.

Low self-esteem then affects the child's ability to relate well with other people, form good friendships, do well at school. If they carry that low self-esteem into adulthood it is likely to affect their ability to form good intimate relationships and do well at work.

Third, effective communication between parent and child is critical in preventing child abuse. If a child is being abused they are only likely to feel able to open up if they are confident that they will be listened to sensitively by their parents. Remember: embarrassment and fear of being punished are a couple of the reasons why children and young people felt unable to talk to their parents in a UK survey.

Finally, listening and good communication is important for you as a parent also. If you have poor communication with your child, it is likely that you will experience greater frustration with your child's behaviour. It is that frustration that, at times of stress, can result in the use of illegal physical punishment and even child abuse. It is worth remembering that a lot of physical abuse of children has been in the name of discipline where anger has spiralled out of control.
 

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