A caregiver’s story

As a foster carer, you can make a huge positive difference to a child’s life. Here, foster caregivers Kate* and John* share their story, and explain what makes fostering so worthwhile.

Kate and John have been fostering for five years – they made the decision after they found out that they couldn’t have their own children. They now have permanent care of a 13-year-old boy, and take on other placements of varied length as well, including respite placements. They are about to foster a five-year-old boy for an undefined length of time.

“We wanted to be parents, and felt we had a lot to offer children,” says Kate. “I’d seen the adverts for permanency before and had hankered to do something, but I was single at the time and it wasn’t the right circumstances. But once I married, and we realised we couldn’t have our own kids, it was the next step.”

Kate was always keen on permanency, while John jokes that he “liked the idea of giving them back after a set period!” The couple started out doing respite care. “Respite, while a helpful start, doesn’t quite give you a feel for permanency, as you generally don’t have the same issues,” says John. “It’s easy for children to be on their best behaviour for a day, a week or even a month, but after that honeymoon period, it can be more challenging!”

The couple discovered this when they decided to take on permanent care of Pete*, a child they originally took for respite. “We first met Pete when he was eight and he’d had two permanent placements break down. It’s not a typical foster care story, but the first child we took for respite became our permanent child. Respite built the relationship between us, and that was really important as Pete had so many trust issues to work through.”

Initially, the family faced many difficulties. “We were learning not just to be parents, but to be parents to a child with some challenging behaviours,” says Kate. John adds: “Pete would have extreme reactions to things we’d consider mundane. For example, anniversaries were problematic – especially the end of the school year, as this was when previous placements had broken down. However, once we started recognising the triggers and talking things through, he was able to settle again.”

When asked about the joys of fostering, John replies: “It’s watching the delight when the penny drops and you can see the child is growing emotionally and taking on values which will support them as they go forward in life. When they’re feeling settled, and you see their behaviour improve, and the bonding which starts so tenuously begins to grow – then the rewards start outweighing the struggles and there are many fun moments to be had.”

In the last year, Pete has stopped referring to himself as a foster child to his peers – he simply refers to Kate and John as his parents. Kate says: “We’ve taken Pete overseas a couple of times, and he’s moved house with us recently. Moving house together was significant as before he’d always been the only one moving on.”

The family plays games a lot, and Pete finds it very difficult to lose. “We recently had a chat about it. He said everyone finds it hard to lose, and I replied that children from backgrounds like his find it particularly difficult,” says Kate. “He answered, ‘That’s because we’ve lost so much.’ That level of insight from a 13-year-old is awesome. We love our boy so much and are so proud of the young man he is becoming!”

*names have been changed to protect anonymity
 

Further links:

• About fostering
• Can anyone become a foster carer?
• What does being a foster parent involve?
• How do I become a foster carer?
• What kinds of care can I offer to children?
• What about the children?
• Why foster with Barnardos?
  
• What training will I get?
• What financial support will I receive?
• I am very interested, what do I do now?
• A caregiver’s story